Monday, December 19, 2005

What's with a Whirlwind?

I have a good mind, I really do. Some people can see that. Usually people who are around me enough to know me are the ones who say it. I can hear the echoes of all those voices over the years... friends, family, teachers... "You have so much potential." they would say, and still do. It pains me to think of it, especially some of the ones that are dear to me, but I have been a dissapointment, or a source of frustration, or written off, or a "pet project" for many people who have known me.

I have a good mind, so there's no reason why I can't whatever, or so it would seem. I can be brilliant, I am talented, but a whirlwind lives in me. I can rarely keep my mind on anything unless there is sufficiant stimulus, not for more than a few seconds to maybe a few minutes. If I talk out loud to someone it helps, since I can hear my thoughts and focus on them as I hear them, leading me to the next. The next always comes quickly. You see, the whirlwind usually follows links from one thought to the next very quickly. Like someone who just got cable internet for the first time, and has to see how quickly they can get to the next page, nevermind if you have finished this page or not. Oh, and the back button is pretty sketchy in it's functionality. It may well take you another page forward instead.

Mornings have to be just the right length, too. If I rise too early, I will get ready, then got lost in something, and so leave late. If I rise too late, obviously I don't have time to be ready and get there on time. Just in the middle has the best chance, but is never a gaurantee.

Once at work I may or may not remember to clock in, or may sign in late even if I am there on time. I may or may not be effecient in my tasks, especially when the tasks are talking to people, who are unpredictable and may bring up stimulating subjects, which most are to me. Stimulating things are easy to focus on, at the exclusion of all else. Bad for keeping calls short, luckily the call center I work in is not big on making call time a part of performance. I only check e-mail at work if I am looking for something...

In school I liked tests for the most part. Mostly short answers and manageable pieces, and enough stress to keep me on task, unless it was an essay... Homework? yeah right! School was at least a partially structured environment, but away from class there was never any telling, and most often the homework got done at the last minute when my stomache would get upset (subconscious is not so scattered I guess).

Birthdays may be remembered before the day, or after. Remembering to get a gift at a time when I was at the store or had time to go get them was rare, and continues to be elusive.

Sleep of any quality is rare, since I often cannot focus enough to make it to my bed. Once there it is often very hard to get up, and I cannot count the times I have awakened many hours later than intended, even as late at 4-5 PM, and been very angry at having lost my day off to that stupid reason. Having not slept at night, I have (even recently) slept hours at odd as 5:30AM-8:30AM, then 2:30PM-10:30PM, then 6:30-8:30AM, then back to a fairly reasonable 1:00AM-8:00AM for the next work day.

In the churning, turning whirlwind there boils an ache I cannot even keep long enough to express much, though it is strong. If I seem ok, even happy most days, it is because of two things. One is that I refuse to let anything keep me down, and that is easy, since the other thing is that I cannot focus on anything long enough to be much affected where you can see it. Don't think I am not affected, I just may only show it for a short time. I am blessed in that I do forgive very quickly, and I am also quick to feel badly for things that hurt others, and so I am quick to apologize. The apology is always sincere, but the effects may not last long, since I am already being swept away again quickly thereafter.

If you are one I have hurt in my inconstance, know that I truly am sorry.

Know that it is not intentional.

Know that I am likely the one most hurt by it all, and so I feel your pain, and eventually I may even focus enough times on it to make it to some type of treatment.

I really wanted to say more, and to say it better, but though I have already re-read everything above several times to try and pick up where I left off here or there, it has left me, and I have no choice but to go on with the other things I need to do that are flashing by for me to snatch from the whirlwind long enough to (hopefully) make a little progress on each.

When I was younger someone whom I knew confessed to me that she had a gift of reading people's thoughts, said it was like seeing a filing room, and certain drawers were open and she could see what files were in use. Though I knew I might oughtn't, I asked "What do you see when you do this with me?"
"It's as if there's a tornado in the room," she said " with many drawers open and papers scattered everywhere, and they're flying around. One paper after another gets stuck to the camera so that you can't see anything else, then it's gone, and the next has it's turn."


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

So close, yet so far away...

We'll start with a spontaneous journal entry in the middle of the night (day):

God the father, loving judge

God the son, my savior,

God the spirit, my companion.

Imagine for a moment someone that is known to you in reverse order from what we normaly would imagine God. Think of someone you have known for ages, who is your daily companion, your friend, and knows you better then yourself. In moments where words fail you, they know just how you feel. Got that part held firm?

Ok, now imagine that person witnesses you making a grave mistake, one that places you in danger of losing who you are, suffering greatly, and finally dying a painful death. They know you, and so are not surprised by this mistake, but neither would they ever let anything harm you if they could help it, and so by a great hero feat they save you at enormous cost to themselves. Not only do they save your life, but this is something that through doing you are inspired and changed. You no longer look at things the same, and though you still make some of the same mistakes you always have, you are encouraged to move past them because of what this person has done for you. Imagine! That would be the best person you could ever ask to know, right?

Now take the last step. Not only are they your close companion, your inspiration, and the one who saved you, they are also now in charge of your fate. They are the one who decides the consequesces for your actions, they hold your life in your hands. They have the authority to make the rules, and their character is such that they would never be unjust. Yet even in their just character, they make ways for you to escape the penalties for your actions that would so surely reclaim you to that fate you escaped by their deeds. You will not always be saved from any discomfort, but you know they let you only suffer the things will grow your character and not those that will destroy you. Like an older tutor in the ways of things, and your closest companion, inspiring you and saving you and judging what is best for you, and indeed your every deed and desire, so is the Lord, your God.

Strong to comfort. Almighty to save. Right to judge.

So there we have an amazing image.

All wrapped into one enigmatic package. So close, yet so far away...

That is where you get into the details. Now I would say the small stuff, but it's not so small, more's the pity. Details are what make things credible, or not. This is not the time yet to discuss such things, but there are arguments and details that sure seem to swirl mists over that compressed core of belief I hold within me. Distance me from that core of belief, and, since it never leaves me, you will create a void within me. You will not, however, defeat that core, for it is compressed, and sometimes it is just that distance, that time of trial and doubt and travel down the hard road, that opens a place for that compressed core of belief and holiness inside to expand into the room you have given it. In the end, I am a bigger person for it.

Pray that the core would grow, that it would expand into my areas of void and fill me again.

Imagine that core as a 3D celtic knot, and as it expands, it allows the eyes to more easy follow its twisting, swirling, and never ending lines in the dance of life.

Grow the Knot.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Ain't Google grand?

So I've had this account since Sept. '00, and really never done anything with it. I remember why I got it. I got it because I was gonna use it. I liked the idea, and besides, I was asked to read, and post to, a friend's Blog. I still like the idea, and we will see if this time is any better at being consistent (a thing I am not know to be very good at).

So what brought me back? Circumtances relating to the same friend, of course. More specifically, inspiration from reading the posts of my friend's husband. I miss discussing intellectual things, and hadn't thought about things this way, but I guess I can use this as a vent and mental focus lens. You see, I don't usually focus well, unless I am talking or typing, and then the outward act of voicing (typing) keeps the rest of my brain on track, at least sometimes it does. Dufflehead would be the inspirer, Ninjanun the friend...

More to come, as I try to make blogging a habitual thing...

P.S. May have been Mark that started me on this, since I just bothered to look back to the begining of Ninjanun's blog, and it wasn't nearly long enough ago... but still the inspiration remains the same... and the reason for the title? I was trying to remember something about Dufflehead, and decided to google that, ran across his blog, and was inspired to take it up.