Monday, December 19, 2005

What's with a Whirlwind?

I have a good mind, I really do. Some people can see that. Usually people who are around me enough to know me are the ones who say it. I can hear the echoes of all those voices over the years... friends, family, teachers... "You have so much potential." they would say, and still do. It pains me to think of it, especially some of the ones that are dear to me, but I have been a dissapointment, or a source of frustration, or written off, or a "pet project" for many people who have known me.

I have a good mind, so there's no reason why I can't whatever, or so it would seem. I can be brilliant, I am talented, but a whirlwind lives in me. I can rarely keep my mind on anything unless there is sufficiant stimulus, not for more than a few seconds to maybe a few minutes. If I talk out loud to someone it helps, since I can hear my thoughts and focus on them as I hear them, leading me to the next. The next always comes quickly. You see, the whirlwind usually follows links from one thought to the next very quickly. Like someone who just got cable internet for the first time, and has to see how quickly they can get to the next page, nevermind if you have finished this page or not. Oh, and the back button is pretty sketchy in it's functionality. It may well take you another page forward instead.

Mornings have to be just the right length, too. If I rise too early, I will get ready, then got lost in something, and so leave late. If I rise too late, obviously I don't have time to be ready and get there on time. Just in the middle has the best chance, but is never a gaurantee.

Once at work I may or may not remember to clock in, or may sign in late even if I am there on time. I may or may not be effecient in my tasks, especially when the tasks are talking to people, who are unpredictable and may bring up stimulating subjects, which most are to me. Stimulating things are easy to focus on, at the exclusion of all else. Bad for keeping calls short, luckily the call center I work in is not big on making call time a part of performance. I only check e-mail at work if I am looking for something...

In school I liked tests for the most part. Mostly short answers and manageable pieces, and enough stress to keep me on task, unless it was an essay... Homework? yeah right! School was at least a partially structured environment, but away from class there was never any telling, and most often the homework got done at the last minute when my stomache would get upset (subconscious is not so scattered I guess).

Birthdays may be remembered before the day, or after. Remembering to get a gift at a time when I was at the store or had time to go get them was rare, and continues to be elusive.

Sleep of any quality is rare, since I often cannot focus enough to make it to my bed. Once there it is often very hard to get up, and I cannot count the times I have awakened many hours later than intended, even as late at 4-5 PM, and been very angry at having lost my day off to that stupid reason. Having not slept at night, I have (even recently) slept hours at odd as 5:30AM-8:30AM, then 2:30PM-10:30PM, then 6:30-8:30AM, then back to a fairly reasonable 1:00AM-8:00AM for the next work day.

In the churning, turning whirlwind there boils an ache I cannot even keep long enough to express much, though it is strong. If I seem ok, even happy most days, it is because of two things. One is that I refuse to let anything keep me down, and that is easy, since the other thing is that I cannot focus on anything long enough to be much affected where you can see it. Don't think I am not affected, I just may only show it for a short time. I am blessed in that I do forgive very quickly, and I am also quick to feel badly for things that hurt others, and so I am quick to apologize. The apology is always sincere, but the effects may not last long, since I am already being swept away again quickly thereafter.

If you are one I have hurt in my inconstance, know that I truly am sorry.

Know that it is not intentional.

Know that I am likely the one most hurt by it all, and so I feel your pain, and eventually I may even focus enough times on it to make it to some type of treatment.

I really wanted to say more, and to say it better, but though I have already re-read everything above several times to try and pick up where I left off here or there, it has left me, and I have no choice but to go on with the other things I need to do that are flashing by for me to snatch from the whirlwind long enough to (hopefully) make a little progress on each.

When I was younger someone whom I knew confessed to me that she had a gift of reading people's thoughts, said it was like seeing a filing room, and certain drawers were open and she could see what files were in use. Though I knew I might oughtn't, I asked "What do you see when you do this with me?"
"It's as if there's a tornado in the room," she said " with many drawers open and papers scattered everywhere, and they're flying around. One paper after another gets stuck to the camera so that you can't see anything else, then it's gone, and the next has it's turn."



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