Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sure it's inspiring, but will there be a happy ending?

Some moments in life are positively dreadful.

Fact though it is, we live. Don't we? That whirlwind is right handy at times, and most times even if it isn't whipping away whatever is painful to me along with what might be dear I have a backup. I simply ignore those deep feelings for a time, knowing that the whirlwind will be along shortly to whisk me away again, seperating me from whatever, but carying us all along just the same.

Sometimes I slip. I get intimate with my feelings, and I dare to open myself to what's inside. I am swept away by wonderful or dreadful things as well, but sometimes I get inspired, so to speak, and I just get honest. Tonight I had (am having) a bit of honesty, and it hurts this time.

You see, I am happy a lot, and I am swept up, and I am easily amused, and I have a passion for life. I love fairly tales, and love stories, and heroic epics, and art and poetry and literature, and oh! how I love music ! ! ! But I have come to wonder this night if I ought not to? They don't all have happy endings, now, do they? So I'm predisposed to idealism, and to dreaming dreams, and wishing wishes, and praying prayers, and seeing the best in things, and it comes to this:

When you truly beleive your life could be a fairly tale, how do you know it isn't going to be a wonderful... beautiful... touching... epic...
Tragedy.

I have the passion. I have taken the pains to set things just so for a (near) perfect evening. I've been swept away by a moment and taken full advantage of the circumstance. I've loved, and I've lived long enough to know the pain, but never to regret the words "I will love you my whole life" that I spoke so long ago.

I risk a lot by having these words here. But I alone know myself. Hence the risk, and hence the pain of so many times.

I believe in fairy tales.

and so I am vulnerable. If you have never loved greatly, you can never hurt greatly, and I have done both.

So I will continue. I will continue to love for my whole life, and I will continue to dream dreams, and I will continue to pray prayers. and at time like these, when it is with tears and tremblings, I will try to remember that I am not alone, that someone, somewhere, knows this too. I will yet try to remember, in the deepest deep I cannot forget, that there is comfort and an order so complex it seems chaos.









Soon I see someone for my ADD, and I have to face the possibility that being more focused could mean that I cannot hide from some of these things. I am both terribly exited and deathly afraid. I could have the power to keep appointments! To not forget so many things, which mean so much to so many loved ones.

But I cannot escape the things I have done, or not done, and I cannot go back and right the past. "What ifs will kill ya" I heard somewhere once, so I'll try and not take such a beating from it all. I've had some amazing experiences, and I'm sure I'm in store for more. I've known wonderful people, such that it would take days just to tell about all the wonderful ways they've touched my life and the spectacular things I've enjoyed by their company, and it makes me think.

I gotta wonder, will I ever meet someone so special they can take top spot in my heart? I hope so, and untill I find them I will live in the swirling shadows and echoes of things I have been though, both wonderful and excruciating. I will sometimes stop to be thankful for the times and the love I've had (have). I will keep an eye out for those times to take advantage of and those things I can arrange just so, and those chances for love like I've not yet seen, Fairy-Tale Love.
I will continue to chance being the great tragedy.

-Jay