Monday, April 03, 2006

Random Genuine

I have this tendancy, this asset, this weakness, this character trait, this unique point of view. I am very open, and I tend to think of strangers as friends untill they show different. I have had conversations with telemarkers, catalog order takers, and I even had my first long-term relationship result from a prank call ! I will try to explain or detail more about this, but this is going to be an entry in progress for a while since it's always late when I get to this.

Point to ponder:

What used to be called being romantic and going the extra mile is most often now called stalking. What changed?

I say a few whackos ruined it for those of us who are romantic. I wish people weren't freaked out by an interest in who they *really* are. People are one of my main passions, and I don't like it being taken the wrong way.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Sure it's inspiring, but will there be a happy ending?

Some moments in life are positively dreadful.

Fact though it is, we live. Don't we? That whirlwind is right handy at times, and most times even if it isn't whipping away whatever is painful to me along with what might be dear I have a backup. I simply ignore those deep feelings for a time, knowing that the whirlwind will be along shortly to whisk me away again, seperating me from whatever, but carying us all along just the same.

Sometimes I slip. I get intimate with my feelings, and I dare to open myself to what's inside. I am swept away by wonderful or dreadful things as well, but sometimes I get inspired, so to speak, and I just get honest. Tonight I had (am having) a bit of honesty, and it hurts this time.

You see, I am happy a lot, and I am swept up, and I am easily amused, and I have a passion for life. I love fairly tales, and love stories, and heroic epics, and art and poetry and literature, and oh! how I love music ! ! ! But I have come to wonder this night if I ought not to? They don't all have happy endings, now, do they? So I'm predisposed to idealism, and to dreaming dreams, and wishing wishes, and praying prayers, and seeing the best in things, and it comes to this:

When you truly beleive your life could be a fairly tale, how do you know it isn't going to be a wonderful... beautiful... touching... epic...

I have the passion. I have taken the pains to set things just so for a (near) perfect evening. I've been swept away by a moment and taken full advantage of the circumstance. I've loved, and I've lived long enough to know the pain, but never to regret the words "I will love you my whole life" that I spoke so long ago.

I risk a lot by having these words here. But I alone know myself. Hence the risk, and hence the pain of so many times.

I believe in fairy tales.

and so I am vulnerable. If you have never loved greatly, you can never hurt greatly, and I have done both.

So I will continue. I will continue to love for my whole life, and I will continue to dream dreams, and I will continue to pray prayers. and at time like these, when it is with tears and tremblings, I will try to remember that I am not alone, that someone, somewhere, knows this too. I will yet try to remember, in the deepest deep I cannot forget, that there is comfort and an order so complex it seems chaos.

Soon I see someone for my ADD, and I have to face the possibility that being more focused could mean that I cannot hide from some of these things. I am both terribly exited and deathly afraid. I could have the power to keep appointments! To not forget so many things, which mean so much to so many loved ones.

But I cannot escape the things I have done, or not done, and I cannot go back and right the past. "What ifs will kill ya" I heard somewhere once, so I'll try and not take such a beating from it all. I've had some amazing experiences, and I'm sure I'm in store for more. I've known wonderful people, such that it would take days just to tell about all the wonderful ways they've touched my life and the spectacular things I've enjoyed by their company, and it makes me think.

I gotta wonder, will I ever meet someone so special they can take top spot in my heart? I hope so, and untill I find them I will live in the swirling shadows and echoes of things I have been though, both wonderful and excruciating. I will sometimes stop to be thankful for the times and the love I've had (have). I will keep an eye out for those times to take advantage of and those things I can arrange just so, and those chances for love like I've not yet seen, Fairy-Tale Love.
I will continue to chance being the great tragedy.


Friday, January 13, 2006

Brilliant Idiocy in the Telecom Industry

I work in tech support for a major cable company and ISP, so be assured right off the bat that very little suprises me about the depth of human ignorance and stupidity. This evening, however, there was a breathrough of brilliant idocy hidden in a poorly worded news report.
You may have heard that today in florida a boy was shot after he had brought a pellet gun that was modifed to look like a 9mm Beretta, threatened another student, then locked himself in a bathroom. The absolute kicker came when the anchorperson said "a SWAT member shot the student after he pointed the gun at his neck and head area and threatened to commit suicide."

think about that a second.

In the ever-ornery words of my mother, "We didn't want him to be a continuing threat to himself or others, so we shot him." WOW!!!

Now as it turns out, most other sources have much better-worded accounts of the events, such as this article from KOCO, the local ABC affiliate.

Since I mentioned the whole tech support thing, I wanna give a few of my favorite examples, so here they are:

1. Woman shorted a cable in her self-install kit for digital cable:
spent 20 MINUTES explaing to her that she needed a cable to go from the digital cable box to her TV before she could get a picture. Actually broke it down 6 differnet ways, including
"You know an antanae has to have a wire from it to the TV?"
"think of the cable box as the antanae"
"it needsa wire to go to your TV to get the signal there"
"you lost me"
Wow... more of the conversation:
"do you have a cable from the box to the TV?"
"where is it attached to the cable box?"
"on the back"
"near the other srew-on connections?"
"no, the other side." (where the power cord is, since the box has an outlet"
"any other cables from the box to the TV?"
"there's our problem."
then the long explainations. she just ran out of cables we gave her, so she figured she was done...

2. No internet connection:
"Hello, thank you for calling ************. My name is Jay. I can help you."
"Is the internet down?"
"Not that I am aware of, but I will be happy to check your area for any problems."
... verifies account info ...
"what do the lights on your modem look like?"
"That's just it, they aren't on, and you people are always having problems! I can never get online, because you are always down!"
"They're all off, even the power?"
"YES! I told you they're off! You are always down, and I have a business to run!"
"Can you check the power cord for me?"


Notes in account:

(cpni is customer proprietary network info, part of verifying account)
also, I am a residential tech. the Terms of Service agreement states it is to be used for recreational use only. We never enforce this, but it is a constant annoyance for us techs, since we are onna get it fixed as fast as we can, regardless of what you use it for. Another pet peeve, and instant button for "I don't want this guy to care if I get online/dial tone/clear picture any time soon" is the statement "I pay too much for this for it not work right!" which we hear at least 2-3 times on a good day.

3. Area-wide outage is annoyance for customer:
"Hello, thank you for calling ************. My name is Jay. I can help you."
"I am sorry you cable is out, but I'll be happy to help."
... verifies account info ...
"I don't show anything in the area yet, how long has your cable been out?"
... I press the mute button, laugh out loud hysterically, then take a deep breath ...
"I see, when was the last time it was out?"
customer matter of factly states in a hateful tone "Eight months ago."
... luckily, the area registers as an outage at that point ...
"I see that it has registered as an area-wide problem now, and they are currently assigning a technician, it should be repaired soon."
"I want credit for time I am without my cable!!!"
... yeah, he said that ...

4. Customer upset we aren't psychic:
"Hello, (blah blah...)"
"My cable has had lines in it for 3 months now, and I am sick and tired of it! You people need to fix your picuture! I mean really, you'd think you would fix stuff faster than this! Why haven't you got it fixed yet?" (they usually rant more than this, but I don't feel like typing more...)
" ... apology ... "
" ... more ranting ... "
" ... verifies account ... "
"How many TVs do you have in the house?"
"Do the others have the same problem?"
quietly "I hadn't looked at them, hang on a second." (drops phone on something hard, which is DARN LOUD when you're wearing a powerful headset) "No, they're fine."
... set up trouble call (TC) for problem with one outlet ...

5. Customer gets PWNT by Power outage.
"hello, (blah blah blah)"
... no picture ...
"Is your TV on 3?"
"You fixed it! What did you do?!? You're a genius!"

I could go on for days, but it's late, and I'm bad at getting in bed....


Monday, December 19, 2005

What's with a Whirlwind?

I have a good mind, I really do. Some people can see that. Usually people who are around me enough to know me are the ones who say it. I can hear the echoes of all those voices over the years... friends, family, teachers... "You have so much potential." they would say, and still do. It pains me to think of it, especially some of the ones that are dear to me, but I have been a dissapointment, or a source of frustration, or written off, or a "pet project" for many people who have known me.

I have a good mind, so there's no reason why I can't whatever, or so it would seem. I can be brilliant, I am talented, but a whirlwind lives in me. I can rarely keep my mind on anything unless there is sufficiant stimulus, not for more than a few seconds to maybe a few minutes. If I talk out loud to someone it helps, since I can hear my thoughts and focus on them as I hear them, leading me to the next. The next always comes quickly. You see, the whirlwind usually follows links from one thought to the next very quickly. Like someone who just got cable internet for the first time, and has to see how quickly they can get to the next page, nevermind if you have finished this page or not. Oh, and the back button is pretty sketchy in it's functionality. It may well take you another page forward instead.

Mornings have to be just the right length, too. If I rise too early, I will get ready, then got lost in something, and so leave late. If I rise too late, obviously I don't have time to be ready and get there on time. Just in the middle has the best chance, but is never a gaurantee.

Once at work I may or may not remember to clock in, or may sign in late even if I am there on time. I may or may not be effecient in my tasks, especially when the tasks are talking to people, who are unpredictable and may bring up stimulating subjects, which most are to me. Stimulating things are easy to focus on, at the exclusion of all else. Bad for keeping calls short, luckily the call center I work in is not big on making call time a part of performance. I only check e-mail at work if I am looking for something...

In school I liked tests for the most part. Mostly short answers and manageable pieces, and enough stress to keep me on task, unless it was an essay... Homework? yeah right! School was at least a partially structured environment, but away from class there was never any telling, and most often the homework got done at the last minute when my stomache would get upset (subconscious is not so scattered I guess).

Birthdays may be remembered before the day, or after. Remembering to get a gift at a time when I was at the store or had time to go get them was rare, and continues to be elusive.

Sleep of any quality is rare, since I often cannot focus enough to make it to my bed. Once there it is often very hard to get up, and I cannot count the times I have awakened many hours later than intended, even as late at 4-5 PM, and been very angry at having lost my day off to that stupid reason. Having not slept at night, I have (even recently) slept hours at odd as 5:30AM-8:30AM, then 2:30PM-10:30PM, then 6:30-8:30AM, then back to a fairly reasonable 1:00AM-8:00AM for the next work day.

In the churning, turning whirlwind there boils an ache I cannot even keep long enough to express much, though it is strong. If I seem ok, even happy most days, it is because of two things. One is that I refuse to let anything keep me down, and that is easy, since the other thing is that I cannot focus on anything long enough to be much affected where you can see it. Don't think I am not affected, I just may only show it for a short time. I am blessed in that I do forgive very quickly, and I am also quick to feel badly for things that hurt others, and so I am quick to apologize. The apology is always sincere, but the effects may not last long, since I am already being swept away again quickly thereafter.

If you are one I have hurt in my inconstance, know that I truly am sorry.

Know that it is not intentional.

Know that I am likely the one most hurt by it all, and so I feel your pain, and eventually I may even focus enough times on it to make it to some type of treatment.

I really wanted to say more, and to say it better, but though I have already re-read everything above several times to try and pick up where I left off here or there, it has left me, and I have no choice but to go on with the other things I need to do that are flashing by for me to snatch from the whirlwind long enough to (hopefully) make a little progress on each.

When I was younger someone whom I knew confessed to me that she had a gift of reading people's thoughts, said it was like seeing a filing room, and certain drawers were open and she could see what files were in use. Though I knew I might oughtn't, I asked "What do you see when you do this with me?"
"It's as if there's a tornado in the room," she said " with many drawers open and papers scattered everywhere, and they're flying around. One paper after another gets stuck to the camera so that you can't see anything else, then it's gone, and the next has it's turn."


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

So close, yet so far away...

We'll start with a spontaneous journal entry in the middle of the night (day):

God the father, loving judge

God the son, my savior,

God the spirit, my companion.

Imagine for a moment someone that is known to you in reverse order from what we normaly would imagine God. Think of someone you have known for ages, who is your daily companion, your friend, and knows you better then yourself. In moments where words fail you, they know just how you feel. Got that part held firm?

Ok, now imagine that person witnesses you making a grave mistake, one that places you in danger of losing who you are, suffering greatly, and finally dying a painful death. They know you, and so are not surprised by this mistake, but neither would they ever let anything harm you if they could help it, and so by a great hero feat they save you at enormous cost to themselves. Not only do they save your life, but this is something that through doing you are inspired and changed. You no longer look at things the same, and though you still make some of the same mistakes you always have, you are encouraged to move past them because of what this person has done for you. Imagine! That would be the best person you could ever ask to know, right?

Now take the last step. Not only are they your close companion, your inspiration, and the one who saved you, they are also now in charge of your fate. They are the one who decides the consequesces for your actions, they hold your life in your hands. They have the authority to make the rules, and their character is such that they would never be unjust. Yet even in their just character, they make ways for you to escape the penalties for your actions that would so surely reclaim you to that fate you escaped by their deeds. You will not always be saved from any discomfort, but you know they let you only suffer the things will grow your character and not those that will destroy you. Like an older tutor in the ways of things, and your closest companion, inspiring you and saving you and judging what is best for you, and indeed your every deed and desire, so is the Lord, your God.

Strong to comfort. Almighty to save. Right to judge.

So there we have an amazing image.

All wrapped into one enigmatic package. So close, yet so far away...

That is where you get into the details. Now I would say the small stuff, but it's not so small, more's the pity. Details are what make things credible, or not. This is not the time yet to discuss such things, but there are arguments and details that sure seem to swirl mists over that compressed core of belief I hold within me. Distance me from that core of belief, and, since it never leaves me, you will create a void within me. You will not, however, defeat that core, for it is compressed, and sometimes it is just that distance, that time of trial and doubt and travel down the hard road, that opens a place for that compressed core of belief and holiness inside to expand into the room you have given it. In the end, I am a bigger person for it.

Pray that the core would grow, that it would expand into my areas of void and fill me again.

Imagine that core as a 3D celtic knot, and as it expands, it allows the eyes to more easy follow its twisting, swirling, and never ending lines in the dance of life.

Grow the Knot.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Ain't Google grand?

So I've had this account since Sept. '00, and really never done anything with it. I remember why I got it. I got it because I was gonna use it. I liked the idea, and besides, I was asked to read, and post to, a friend's Blog. I still like the idea, and we will see if this time is any better at being consistent (a thing I am not know to be very good at).

So what brought me back? Circumtances relating to the same friend, of course. More specifically, inspiration from reading the posts of my friend's husband. I miss discussing intellectual things, and hadn't thought about things this way, but I guess I can use this as a vent and mental focus lens. You see, I don't usually focus well, unless I am talking or typing, and then the outward act of voicing (typing) keeps the rest of my brain on track, at least sometimes it does. Dufflehead would be the inspirer, Ninjanun the friend...

More to come, as I try to make blogging a habitual thing...

P.S. May have been Mark that started me on this, since I just bothered to look back to the begining of Ninjanun's blog, and it wasn't nearly long enough ago... but still the inspiration remains the same... and the reason for the title? I was trying to remember something about Dufflehead, and decided to google that, ran across his blog, and was inspired to take it up.